Anime, being an animated medium, has plenty of space for weird and suggestive moments — not to mention that animators can be a strange and horny bunch. For many young consumers of anime (or older consumers living in Mom’s basement), there lurks a deep fear of being discovered by one’s parent while watching a particularly weird scene, even if that scene isn’t explicit in any way.
“WHAT’RE YOU WATCHING?!” asks said parent.
Here are some (non-explicit) anime moments where an explanation is so difficult that one would be better-off being caught with Playboy magazines or a copy of Magic Mike XXL.
5. Bread (Humanity has Declined)
You’re watching a colorful anime about tiny squeaky humanoids and talking bread slices. Surely, you can watch that show with your bedroom door open, your grandma and dad milling about discussing the color of the living room wallpaper. Perhaps you can even have it blaring through your computer speakers.
Except, the bread grips the sides of its head and tears itself halfway down its torso, enough blood gushing from its massive wound to drip from the ceiling and splatter the camera lens. The sounds of its aching and agonizing death reverberate through your speakers while your dad pokes his head into your room to decry your choice of violent anime. I should lock up my AR-15, he ponders loudly.
You try explaining to him that the blood is actually tomato juice, but the damage has been done.
4. Pelvic tilt (Plastic Nee-san)
A man in a baseball outfit encounters some gang members intimidating some young students. What does our hero do?
Why, he flexes so hard that his shirt bursts open to reveal a luscious set of pecs covered by an upside-down bra, which he sends flying at a bully’s face with a singular chest movement. Then, like a true savior, he pelvic thrusts towards his enemies with such vigor that he not only scares the gangsters away, but the victimized students too. This wonderful sequence is accompanied by loud orgasmic yells and an anime studio’s best approximation of what it sounds like to thrust your pelvis ten times per second. Your mom wonders what your nether interests might be.
3. Toxic relationship (Dokuro-chan)
Perhaps you shouldn’t be nonchalantly watching a show whose entire premise revolves around a schoolgirl-themed angel and her many ways of bludgeoning off a teenage boy’s various body parts. Perhaps it’d be risky to watch, in your parents’ presence, a show where that teenage boy is prophesized to develop technology to stop women from physically aging past twelve years old — all because (big gasp of surprise here) his adult self is interested in minors.
But let’s say you truly want to live life on the edge. Hopefully you’ll have a good explanation ready when the aforementioned boy — in a feat of original screenwriting — walks in on Dokuro while she’s topless and earns a swipe to his head. It’s a clean cut too; half of his head gets lopped off, resulting in a powerful geyser of blood. Good thing our protag can be easily resurrected.
2. Apron man (Shokugeki no Soma)
In this anime adaptation of all of Gordon Ramsey’s cooking shows, Isshiki Satoshi takes care to wear an apron to prevent splashes — of paramount importance to someone like him who is a top chef in Totsuki Culinary Academy. And he proves that all a chef needs is an apron, especially if that chef is as luxuriously-bodied as he is.
While this man displays a healthy confidence in his body, your parents might think otherwise about your innocence if they happen to walk in right when Isshiki’s clapping his meatloaves, complete with realistic butt physics and a loud “BOING” sound effect. As free as Isshiki is from the confines of his clothes, you yourself might not be so free from your parents’ judgmental eyes. But who knows? Maybe if you whip up a wonderful breakfast for your parents and credit the show with teaching you so much about cooking, they might turn the other cheek and let you continue watching it.
Just make sure you’re wearing more than only an apron when you serve them the food.
1. That toothbrushing scene Jesus Christ do I have to talk about it please don’t make me talk about it please d (Nisemonogatari)
This scene. It’s this scene that many anime fans cite as one of their biggest stepping stones into the world of “why does this exist in my anime” (or “why does this turn me on” — FOR SHAME). Here, we have Koyomi Araragi, a young man. And Karen Araragi, a teenaged girl. Oh, you just noticed that they share surnames? Why d’you think they do?
As a part of a “game,” the older brother wishes to clean his younger sister’s teeth. He does so in a beautifully-animated sequence of images that an entire team of top-notch professional artists likely worked on over the span of weeks or months. Watch with admiration as Koyomi ensures that Karen doesn’t have to go to the dentist ever again — not with such a dedicated toothbrusher by her side.
Marvel at this depiction of an innocent and very-much-platonic sibling relationship. Surely, after your parents disown you and cut off your access to their Netflix account, you can walk forth in life with the knowledge that you did nothing wrong, saw nothing out of the ordinary, and heard nothing but appreciative moans from Karen Araragi’s lips.