People and communities have varying degrees of success fighting off a large-scale pandemic. In many instances, catching the horrible disease known as COVID-19 is outside of one’s control. However, as current events and twitter feeds might’ve been showing, certain galaxy-brains seem to actually want to get infected — either as a jerk move or out of pure stupidity.
For all its fantastical whimsies, anime reflects real life and real-life people; there definitely are characters that would be much less mindful about this than others. Read on for five anime characters who may have some special affinity towards the coronavirus.
**This is a parody article and is not meant to downplay the pandemic in any way, shape, or form.**
5. Jiraya (Naruto)
Bars have been known as one of the worst places for anyone to hang out in, except if you want to catch COVID. And yet every time a US state tries to open up, their bars get swamped by the bravest of thrill-seekers seeking to infuse their red blood cells with low-quality alcohol.
Enter Jiraiya. O noble sage — one of three. He doesn’t miss a chance to spend a night with some pretty ladies in a sake bar, worldwide pandemic be damned; he needs juicy material for his hot-selling books after all! Sure, he may be a very powerful ninja, but who knows if his pre-existing toad-related conditions make him more vulnerable to the highly-contagious virus. He doesn’t even have enough protag’s plot armor — much less a protag’s immune system — to keep him alive up until the series’ conclusion.
4. Haruhi (The Melancholy of Suzamiya Haruhi)
A virus can’t easily kill this godlike entity, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’ll catch COVID just to satiate her boredom and give poor Kyon more things to worry about. Imagine an alien invasion coupled with a worldwide pandemic (please don’t get any ideas from this, 2020-san). Now that would make for a good Haruhi sequel movie.
Throughout the show and movie, Haruhi comes across as boisterous, excitable, and definitely prone to cabin fever. A months-long lockdown would frustrate her into wandering out into the virus-ridden world. Plus, she subconsciously draws in trouble whether they be spirit monsters, aliens, or infinite time loops; she’s a magnet for plot devices — and the coronavirus stands as no exception.
3. Valerie Simmons (Carole and Tuesday)
People have commented that Tuesday’s mother, Valerie Simmons, in Carole and Tuesday seems like a reference to (or even a direct parody of) a certain blonde-haired world leader who dislikes immigrants and likes power. And this certain blonde-haired world leader who likes power also happened to catch COVID last month. So perhaps, due to the similarities between Valerie and that certain blonde world leader who dislikes certain immigrants, we can assume that Valerie has a strong chance of catching the aforementioned disease — just to make her parodic status so on-the-nose that it could as well be sitting on said nose.
2. Gluttony (FMA: Brotherhood)
In Fullmetal Alchemist, the Homunculus called Gluttony eats literally anything from animals to buildings to people. He either eats them the normal way (chomp-chomp) or inhales them into his maw by opening a Gate that stretches from his jaw down to his pelvis. He’s eaten so many hapless creatures over his 160 years of existence that the dimension inside his body is a sea of blood.
While that’s scary and all, the fact that Gluttony comes into contact with so many bodily fluids definitely puts him at risk of catching COVID. And all that inhalation too; think of all those airborne virus particles he’s pelting his poor immune system with!
1. U-1146 (Cells At Work!)
Literally, his job is to “catch” (and kill) pathogens.
In Cells at Work!, all the characters are anthropomorphized human body cells. And U-1146 is a white blood cell, also known as a neutrophil. He methodically defeats numerous pathogens with his outstanding knife-fighting skills (unlike IRL white blood cells). He can also eat the pathogens he kills (quite like IRL white blood cells).
That being said, in the anime, viruses like the influenza can trigger zombie apocalypses, and even U-1146 is shown having trouble dealing with all those zombie waves. Let’s give U-1146 a breather by not licking bar doors shall we?
Viet is a Californian grad student with a penchant for burgers, anime, and snark. When he’s not writing or illustrating, he’s maining Doomfist and being generally a pain in Overwatch.